How Could You Leave Us… Here?
“…I needed you.”
This is one of the first lines of NF’s song, How Could You Leave Us. It’s part of a calm introduction to one of the saddest songs that I’ve ever heard.
He dedicates the song to his mother, labeling it as one of the most authentic songs he’s ever written.
Nathan Feuerstein (NF) grew up with divorced parents and lived in a household with his mother and her boyfriend. There is little information about his relationship with his biological father, and the identity of both of his parents remains hidden.
NF lost his mother when he was only 18; she overdosed on prescription drug pills. She was addicted to opiates and this caused NF and his siblings to share a neglected and depressing childhood.
In 2016, NF released his album, Therapy Session, which topped both Rap and Christian charts and almost reached the overall Top Ten. Within this compelling and heartbreaking album was the song How Could You Leave Us, a song written directly about his mother’s overdose.
It’s a touching song that openly expresses how it feels to watch someone lose themselves (and eventually their life) to addiction.
“I don’t know what it’s like to be addicted to pills
But I do know what it’s like to be a witness, it kills”
Like many others, NF witnessed the ultimate, crippling end to drug addiction.
For him, the person he witnessed was someone he desperately needed love and support from. A mother is meant to be an anchor for her kids, providing them with the stability and safety they need to grow. NF never received this sense of stability from his mom, and he never saw her as a person that he could rely on.
In fact, NF grew up without a close relationship with either of his parents. He was mentally isolated from his mother and physically separated from his father.
In the song, he states that his mom would say that she was proud of him (for his achievements, music, etc.), yet he felt like she barely knew him or understood him.
He hates the way he remembers his mother: as a drug addict who was mentally absent in his life.
After she overdosed, NF described her as “hollow” on the inside, and that “she gave everything she had plus her life to them pill bottles”. It’s likely because of his mom’s unstoppable addiction that NF saw her as emotionless and empty.
“Where you at mom? We’re too young to understand, where you at huh?”
An important, noticeable element in this song is NF’s confusion and lack of understanding.
He wonders why she chose the ‘pills over him’ and why she chose to ‘leave him’ in the world ‘alone’.
Within the song lyrics, he asks her repeatedly to explain… “I don't get it, mom, don't you want to watch your babies grow?”…“Don't know if you hear me or not, but if you still watching, why?”… “If you really cared for me, then where are you at then?”… “How could you leave us here?”
He begs to find a reason.
He’s left wondering at her departure.
At the end of the song, he adds a sound clip of him emotionally talking about the painful present situation, his mom’s tragic death, and his fears for the future. This piece of the song adds immensely to its authenticity, as NF isn’t afraid to expose his emotions.
He opens the door to his mind and lets his feelings flow, undisguised...
He cries and yells to his mom, reminding himself that she won’t be there for him. He’s sad that she won’t get to see his future successes, wife, or children.
Most of all, he’s disappointed that she gave her life away for the pills instead of for her own children. NF feels that if she really loved him and his siblings, she would’ve stayed.
“The pills got you, right?”
This is one of the final lines of the song. NF concludes How Could You Leave Us with another question for his mother, except this one is rhetoric.
Through this line, NF reiterates that he witnessed the pills overtake his mom throughout his life and finally kill her in the end.
The wording of the lyric is purposeful and well-composed, as the ‘pills’ are given a sense of power and superiority over NF’s mother. Earlier in the song, he says that the pills “came back to finish” his mom. These lyrics share a similar tone and personify the drugs as ‘someone in control’.
Because his mother couldn’t refuse drugs, she let her own life fall out of her control and into the ‘hands’ of the ‘pills’.
Like NF, I’ve seen many others do the same…and like NF, I also wonder why. Why would someone leave the people they love for drugs? Why would someone choose to find satisfaction in delusions and entertainment instead of the beautiful realities around them? Why would someone willingly give addiction control over their own life?
And like NF, I’m oftentimes left wondering…